I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better friend. I want to be skinner. I want to be pretty. I want to have a Master's degree. I want to work less hours and make more money. I want to travel. I want to write something important that will be remembered longer than I am.
That is not a complete list. I want an awful lot of things. Some I can do. Some I can't. Some I know how to achieve and have a definite goal. Some I will work toward my whole life and never feel as though I have reached that goal.
When I think about all these things I want to do or be, it's overwhelming. For me part of what overwhelms me is that I more or less have to accomplish anything I want to by myself. Sure, there are people I can ask for help, but it's different than when you are married to someone who has some degree of interest in or obligation to help you. Not having a someone you automatically can turn to, who you know will be there, is harder. That is how it's been most of my adult life. I'm very okay with that.
Having a child is not meant to be a one person thing.
Some days I am very content to stay single indefinitely. Some days I want to find someone and be married so badly I can't stand it. Some days Cole puts black icing in the carpet and sprays his walls with the carpet shampooer and draws all over himself with markers. And some days I think I should move to the Keys and live on a beach and run a t-shirt hut.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
A t-shirt hut could be interesting. I bet you'd find lots of fodder for characters in that novel you want to write, at any rate.
ReplyDeleteAnd Cole can design the t-shirts with black icing!