You're tired my love, I feel the same.

It's been a rather long week thus far.  Partly because my work schedule has been abnormal for the last two weeks and I sort of have my days mixed up.  Partly because I'm uber tired from said work schedule and mixed up days.  Partly just because.  And partly because we've been keeping busy. 

Tuesday Cole's usual tae kwon do classes were canceled due to the local Christmas parade.  The street in front of the dojo was shut down.  Plus, the dojo had a float in the parade and all the students got to ride on it!  Cole had a blast waving very energetically. He also kept asking when he was going to get to be like the older kids and hop off the float to break boards in the street.  Oh, and it was cold.  Oh so very, very cold.

Today Cole didn't have his usual tae kwon do classes, either.  Today he tested for his first belt.  So now, Cole is a yellow belt!  He was very excited, and I'm rather proud.

Tomorrow is another day, and then there will be the day after that...  time drags by and passes in a blink.   

These are a few of my favorite things.

So, it's been a while.  How are you?  How are things?  Good, good.  I'm... good.  Thanks for asking.

Thanksgiving was a good week.  Yes, it has been nearly two weeks but I neglected to blog about any of if.  It was a good week.  Eleven days, actually.  B was here for eleven days.  It was fantastic.  Some of what happened falls into what would be thought of as the Big Deal category.  Stuff like B meeting my parents for the first time and spending Thanksgiving with them and me, or B taking care of Cole for an entire day by himself.  But for me, it was the smaller stuff that was more impactful.

This was our first road trip together, being stuck in a tiny car for 6 hours (twice).  With a four year old.  But the time seemed to fly by rather than drag the way it usually does.  Listening to B and Cole tell each other stories for about an hour was awesome.  I got to watch B playing with Cole.  B even put Cole to bed a couple of nights and I eavesdropped a little.  :)  B and I spent a day wandering around Midtown Atlanta and riding the MARTA for no real reason and with nowhere to really be.  We ate sushi and got yelled at by a hobo.  At my house B did dishes, laundry, and helped with Christmas decorations.  I came home from work one day to find the really messy kitchen I had been too tired to clean the night before completely clean.  Seriously.  Having someone around who wants to help out and does so without me asking is a new thing for me. 

It turns out that I like it. 

Five gold rings!

I'm in the throes of Christmas shopping.  I do like Christmas, I just disapprove of anything Christmas being displayed before Thanksgiving is over.  Christmas things being displayed before Halloween flat out makes me mad.  But I do realize that it is prudent to start Christmas shopping a bit earlier than December 24th.  I'm actually about halfway done and I'm pretty happy about that! 

Tonight I asked Cole who he wanted to buy Christmas presents for.  I'm trying hard to make sure that he remembers Christmas is more about what you give than what you get.  And he does get really excited about picking out and buying presents, though usually the excitement of opening his presents overcomes his excitement of actually giving presents.  He was pretty excited tonight just making his list of people to buy for and what to buy them.  It ended up being a long list - 22 people.  Just about everyone he is related to, B, several friends and a few people that I really didn't expect to be on the list. He wants to buy at least three of us bicycles (including me... and I have a bicycle), and someone is down to get some oatmeal and a can of pears. 

Notice that I said he listed "just about" everyone he is related to?  That's because there was just one rather notable name missing.

His father. 

I honestly don't know how I feel about that. 

Can you dig it?

Today hasn't been a good day. 

I don't feel good.  B called and woke me up at 7 this morning ('cause I asked him to, not because he is mean) and I felt absolutely terrible.  I'm not a morning person anyways, so I'm quite sure that I was no fun at all to talk to.  Instead of getting up as I had planned to, I took some paracetamol and went back to sleep.  I thought I set my alarm, and maybe I did.  But I also set my clock ahead by about 15 minutes in the process.  So, I woke up at 9:18 and went running around the house for 20 minutes and left in a hurry... only to get 5 minutes down the road and realize that it was now ten minutes before I left.  And then I got to work and realized that I had forgotten Cole's tae kwon do uniform and going home to get it meant that we wouldn't make it to class.  And then Cole smashed his thumb in the front door...

And besides that we were just busy enough to keep me from being able to get things prepped and it was rainy and Cole was... well, he was Cole and very active and trying to be sweet, but he just mostly seemed to be in my way all the time.  You know, like a cat trying to get your attention and always being underfoot?  And then my boss accidentally came in a whole hour early, so I was able to get Cole's tae kwon do uniform and be at class on time.  And I voted.

You know what?  I'm going to change my perspective.  I've got a guy who's willing to put up with me on the phone even when I'm extremely grumpy.  I've got a job.  And a car.  And an awesome kiddo.  I've got the means to give my awesome kiddo things like tae kwon do classes.  I have a computer and internet access right in my living room.  I have a living room and a whole house complete with running water and electricity.  And I live in a country where I get to vote and I don't even have anybody threatening me with physical harm if I don't vote for who they want me to.  I've got it pretty good.

Murder, murder in the night air!

So, I got to go see a play tonight.  I like plays.  I used to dabble in theatre, enough that I spell it theatre and not theater.  Theaters are places you go see movies.  Anyways... I went to a local community production of Jekyll and Hyde.  Which was good.  Or at least, it was better than expected. 

Jekyll and Hyde was something I first heard when I was about 15.  It's beautiful.  It has remained one of my favorite pieces and I still know most of the lyrics.  It also introduced me to Linda Eder, and if you haven't heard her then you just haven't lived.  Seriously.  She's that good.  In fact, the role of Lucy in Jekyll and Hyde was written for Eder.

The production tonight didn't have Linda Eder in it.  Actually, the girl that played Lucy couldn't sing her way out of a wet paper bag.  I thought about helping her out some, particularly on Someone Like You...

The rest of the cast was pretty decent.  The guy who played Jekyll/Hyde was quite good, and managed the duet between his two parts very well indeed.  However, the director should be found and slapped about some, because he very obviously directed his actors to showboat.  And that is never okay.  

Showboating is when an actor is onstage and they go to sing their song and they promptly stop acting, face away from whoever they should be singing too, face the audience, locate where the balcony should be and reach out their hand towards it as though they expect a stray bird to land on it or they are grasping an imaginary banana on an imaginary tree.  This is only acceptable if you are in an opera and have just been dealt a fatal blow and must sing about it for the next fifteen minutes. 

I took Cole to see the play tonight.  Yep, I took a 4 year old child to see a play and one that wasn't actually a kids production at that.  Why you might ask?  Why would I drag him to something that he would find boring and where he could possibly bother the other patrons?  Because if I don't then he won't learn how to act and how to appreciate such things.  So, yeah.  He actually seemed to enjoy most of it, particularly the part where Hyde lit the Bishop on fire...

I'm no Eder, cause only Eder is.  But I could still totally sing Lucy.  Just sayin'.

Your memory that punches me had broken a bone.

The laundry still hasn't been put away.  Cole's room still isn't clean.  In fact, it's likely worse.  And you know what?

I don't care.  

Not

one

bit. 

Tonight was one of those nights... I didn't expect it to be a good night.  I hoped it would be an okay night.  And most of it was just okay.  But then... then it all just clicked.  And it was a great night.  

I love it when a plan comes together. 

I'll be reaching for the stars tonight.

These are things that were written around 2.5 years ago, in the end stages of my divorce.  I've been revisiting my old writing lately, to gain some perspective and note how much my state of mind has changed.  It's quite refreshing to realize that I don't recognize that girl anymore, the one who was scared and sad and pliable.  And while now-me isn't someone that 19-year-old-me ever thought she would become, it is someone that she would respect.  Being able to look yourself in the eyes is a good feeling. 

And now, old poetry.

Someone Else

You breezed into my life
- well, it was more like stormed -
and made everything start changing
- well, really, made it all conform -
to everything you saw in me
- well, actually, to someone else.

You always said all the right words,
- no wait, that isn't right -
and the look in your eyes...
- no, that was just the lights.
You just wanted me to be myself
- actually, you wanted someone else.

The illusion couldn't last
despite how hard we tried
for you to change who I was
while I staunchly denied
I would ever let someone change me
into someone else.

It wasn't all one sided, though
because I had tried too.
I created the perfect person
and then pretended he was you.
While really all along we knew
we were both just someone else.

I have a second start now
to be all of my dreams,
to make the most of my life,
but somehow now it seems
I'll always have this one regret...
not you, but someone else.


One Day

I’m looking for the day
When the innocence is gone.
I know that it is coming,
And I know it won’t be long
‘til his heart is broken,
‘til he understands
That someone who should be his hero
Isn’t even a man.

He doesn’t want your presents,
Or your clothes, or your games.
He doesn’t want big parties.
He doesn’t need you to give him things.
What he wants is your attention.
What he wants is to hold your hands.
All he needs is your love,
Love you don’t even understand.

One day soon he’ll realize,
One day soon you’ll make him cry.
One day soon his heart will break,
‘cause there’s no love in your eyes.
One day he’ll make the choice,
A hard one and sad.
He’ll know that you’re his father,
But someone else will be his Dad.