Open up your eyelids and let your demons run.

Today I failed.

And I don't leave things half done, so I failed thoroughly. 

Some days that happens.  It's not okay, but it still happens.  No matter how much  you know better and how much you do really want to keep it together, it still happens. 

And you know what you do?  You just keep moving.  Get up and keep on going.  Because the world doesn't stop turning, not even for a second.  So if you try to stop, you'll just get run over. 

Being run over sucks. 

You have forsaken all the love you've taken.

Sleeping on a razor there's nowhere left to fall. 

Your body's aching, every bone is breaking.

Nothing seems to shake it, it just keeps going on. 

Your soul is able, death is all you cradle.

Sleeping on the nails, there's nowhere left to fall. 

You have admired, every man desires.

Everyone is king when there's no one left to pawn. 

There is no peace here, war is never cheap here. 

Love will never meet it, it just gets sold for parts. 

You cannot fight it, all the world denies it.

Open up your eyelids and let your demons run.

I thread the needle through.

You beat the devil's tattoo.

I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to roam.

We all need some time off.  Time off is good.  I just hate having mine enforced upon me. 

Cole is off with his father for a belated week of Christmas visitation.  I've been quite the emotional wreck today.  For now, I'm okay.  In the next five minutes, who knows.  I'm caffinated and showered, so that's helping for now.  I head to work in half an hour, which will keep me busy for the rest of the night. 

Later I'll tell all about what happened since my last post.  It's been too long since we spoke last and much has happened.  MUCH. 

But that's for later. 

I know this will be temporary...

Tonight, I am lazy. 

I've done stuff.  I made dinner.  It was chicken tenders and vegatables with cheese sauce, so not exactly a huge effort, but it counts!  I... hmmm.  I did other things, I'm sure. Cole and I watched some Doctor Who.  That boy loves the Doctor.  I'm so happy to be raising a geek.  I painted my nails... and then thoroughly messed them up and then took the paint off.  I'm considering repainting them, but that does seem like a lot of work. 

There is a spider in my house somewhere.  I'm trying to decide how much this bothers me.  Really, though, that seems like a lot of effort, too. 

I almost want to do stuff.  I guess it works better that I want things to be done, just not enough to do them. 

I do know that my Sirius radio trial in my car runs out in 6 days, and I'm not happy about it.  Rural Mississippi isn't really known for having an abundance of good, or even decent, radio stations that play remotely recent non-county music.  I call it "country music" only because that is what society calls it, but really, it's an oxymoron.  The problem with the Sirius radio is that they want money from you.  Which I don't have.  Not even a little bit.  So, I think I'm going to start a "Help Julie listen to good music" charitable fund.  Feel free to contact me for details on ho to contribute. 

There.  Now I've accomplished something.  

... over and over and over again...

One Christmas down.  Three to go.  I'm already tired.

We spent Christmas in Texas.  Which was great, except the leaving part.  We saw Tron, which was great.  We ate a lot, which was also great.  B and I rode around one night to look at lights and committed a small act of vandalism, which was fantastic.  Everything went by in a blur.

Next weekend, we will be doing a late Christmas with my family (aka Christmas Round 2), which I am looking forward to.  Cole is uber excited.  After that, Cole will have Christmas Round 3 with his father.  Oh, and I saved back a couple of presents for Cole to open this weekend on New Year's to sort of tide him over...

Logistically, it's been a nightmare.  As my father would say, it's like trying to fit two tons of manure in a one ton truck.  Right now Cole thinks it is great that he gets 3 (or 4) Christmases, but I have a feeling when he is older he is going to hate the holidays. 

Bandages on my legs and my arms from you.

Oh, Fridays.  Why are you so cruel to me?  Fridays always seem oddly long, and leaving work in the middle of a rush is just weird no matter how many times I do it. 

Today, I found myself in a trailer park.  The kind that give trailer parks a bad name.  The kind with abandoned trailers with broken windows and fire damage and hobo kitties wondering around in the street.  The kind that make you wonder exactly how down on your luck you, yourself, would have to be to consider living somewhere like that.  And how many guns it would take to make you feel safe enough to sleep at night.  One of the trailers there caught my eye.  It wasn't the tattered sheets hung in the window as curtains, or the broken out window fixed with duct tape or the neat pile of beer cans that drew my attention to it.  It was the immaculately clean, chromed out Dodge Charger sitting in the driveway. 

Sometimes, I just don't get it.  Not even a little bit. 

On the plus side today, the last of my Christmas shopping came in the mail!  Now all that is left is to do a little baking...  okay, okay.  It's a lot of baking.  But I like baking. I just don't like doing the dishes afterwards.  But, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Unless the recipient of the action is particularly mean, grumpy, or immature; then the reaction is usually way out of proportion. 

I'm actually getting excited!  Christmas is only... seven, er, eight days away?  I've lost count. 

Texas is five days away.  I haven't lost count. 

It's the holiday season, with a whoop-de-do...

You know that it is cold outside when your washing machine freezes. 

Oh, and it has a partially washed load in it.  Which it can't drain the water out of.  Because the drainage pipes are frozen.  I'm guessing by morning, the water in the machine will be, too.  I'm getting a vision of me outside, very cold, with a hair dryer trying to thaw this thing.  Or I could just wait for spring.  Right now it's kind of a toss up. 

I hate winter. 

You're wearing me out.... But I'm wearing you down.

I should be doing something.  I have plenty to choose from.  There's laundry, both the washing of it and the folding of it.  There are at least 6 loads of clean laundry on my couch right now, and I know there are 2 more loads that need to be washed... maybe 3.

There's cleaning up the kitchen.  The past few days I haven't really cooked, so it hasn't needed anything.  But tonight I decided to make fried pork chops and fried apples and have a couple of small fires in the process.  Nothing was harmed, but it did get kinda smokey for a a bit.  Seeing my chef's pan full of fried apples nearly engulfed in flames was... actually, I just thought it was pretty.

There's sweeping the floors.  I cut Cole's hair tonight.  I really just trimmed it up around the edges.  It is long enough to part now even though it is still trying to stick straight up, especially that cowlick in the back that he inherited from me.  Sorry, kiddo, your hair will always be stubborn.  I think the new hairstyle makes him look older.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I also could just go to bed.  I've been tired for over a week now and I think my body is revolting against me.  Maybe I'm getting old.  Maybe I'm trying to go into hibernation for the winter.

But instead of any of that, here I am.  I'm not even listening to music right now.  I'm just... here.  I feel like I'm waiting, but I'm not sure for what.  I feel like I'm forgetting something, too, or maybe just that I've forgotten to remember or remembered to forget... 

Laundry and Bones.  Now!