Just see me through the fight, somehow.

I'm decaffeinated.  Ugh. 

When I was in college, I developed a bit of a caffeine addiction.  We're talking 2-4 energy drinks a day, plus 1-3 cokes to tide me over between the energy drinks.  And maybe a couple cups of coffee.  And then, I became pregnant and had to stop the caffeine.  Fortunately I had the morning sickness to distract me from the withdrawals. 

Now, I can't handle the caffeine like I could then.  One energy drink or cup of coffee has me pretty happy.  Giddy, even.  But that one cup of coffee also gets me re-hooked.  I could make an excuse that the first one doesn't...it's the second or third or fourteenth that does it.  But there can't be a second or fourteenth without the first one.  So, usually, caffeine is rare and I'm very careful to limit the intake.  Last week, I wasn't, what with all the doing stuff and driving places and not sleeping. 

So, today, I got to start the whole decaffeinating process.  Which means I"m grumpy and my head hurts and I'd trade my left pinky toe for a Red Bull. 

Today, in my car, Mute Math came on the radio, with the song The Fight.  This made me intensely happy and I've listened to the song half a dozen times now.  It's worth checking out.  (Of course, I think all things Mute Math are worth checking out.)  

Cole is sleeping better.  We bought a lamp for the living room which I leave on at night, so he isn't afraid of waking up in the dark anymore.  And he hasn't destroyed anything so far this week, which makes me happy.  Yesterday he fell asleep on the way home from grocery shopping.  After sleeping on the couch for about an hour he stretched and rolled over and said, "Oh, it's time for a nap."  He cracks me up, even when he's asleep.  

Tomorrow.  Tomorrow is going to be a great day.  Tomorrow I'm going to get a lot done and be happy and remember how to love and breathe and be.  Tomorrow.

I was a teenage anarchist.

I'm tired tonight.  That is happening a lot lately.  I must be getting old. 

Driving in Buford this past weekend, by the Mall of Georgia, I saw a man riding an all terrain unicycle.  I very nearly rolled down my window and proposed to him. 

I saw several people in Atlanta wearing Vibram Five Fingers shoes.  There are the oddest and possibly the ugliest shoes I've seen.  Which means that I will own a pair within 6 months. 

When I go back to Atlanta, I remember more clearly how I was at 19.  Before Cole, before Jerkface, before bills and responsibilities and stress.  Back when I knew how my life was going to be.  Back when I knew that I was going to change the world. 

Do you remember when you were young and you wanted to set the world on fire?

I wouldn't change the dramatic detour that my life took for anything.  Of all my regrets, becoming a mother will never be one.

I still want to set the world on fire.  I'm still going to set this world on fire.  And you know what?  So will my son. 

Oh, I'm 500 miles away from home.

This post was written at 1:14 Sunday morning, but due to limited brain fuctions, I was unable to post it. 

Well, I'm here.  And I'm not sure how I feel about that. 

It feels like a longer span between Friday and now than is possible.  Days, maybe.

Cole had a low fever Friday and I didn't know why.  I hoped it was overtiredness.  He has been refusing to sleep, nerves about the new room in a new house.  This morning the fever was nearly 103 and he clearly had an ear infection.  After working a long(er than usual) and hard(er than usual) shift, driving all night, and sleeping nearly none, I got up and ran around trying to find an open clinic to take him to. 

I thought I was really important for him to be here.  He doesn't know that man, the one he will eventually understand was his grandfather, that he will only know from pictures.  Cole only met him a few times and he was never introduced to him as a grandparent.  I feel... odd about it, but I'm not sure what the proper specific descriptor would be. 

I do know that I ingested enough caffine today to make the Energizer bunny twitchy. 

I watched Remember Me tonight.  It is good.  It is.  Really.  It has an ending that is like a sucker punch to the stomach. 

Anything can happen, anytime.  And what would I do if it did?  Exactly why am I the one that gets punished, currently that is, for you stupidity, irresponsibility, immaturity, indiscrection, selfishness, and general jerkfacedness?  Oh, I'm a moron who happens to be too nice, that's why. 

And you were just a loser in tin foil. 

What's the time? Well, it's gotta be close to midnight.

There has to be a way to say this.
There are so many words.
Words like:
waiting and tired
ready and gone
selfish and selfless
afraid and done
Words that flow, like music or honey.
Words full of memory and song.
Words that are useless and empty and vain.
Words that won't come when they're called.

I wanna be a producer.

I want to be a better mom. I want to be a better friend. I want to be skinner. I want to be pretty. I want to have a Master's degree. I want to work less hours and make more money. I want to travel. I want to write something important that will be remembered longer than I am.

That is not a complete list. I want an awful lot of things. Some I can do. Some I can't. Some I know how to achieve and have a definite goal. Some I will work toward my whole life and never feel as though I have reached that goal.

When I think about all these things I want to do or be, it's overwhelming. For me part of what overwhelms me is that I more or less have to accomplish anything I want to by myself. Sure, there are people I can ask for help, but it's different than when you are married to someone who has some degree of interest in or obligation to help you. Not having a someone you automatically can turn to, who you know will be there, is harder. That is how it's been most of my adult life. I'm very okay with that.

Having a child is not meant to be a one person thing.

Some days I am very content to stay single indefinitely. Some days I want to find someone and be married so badly I can't stand it. Some days Cole puts black icing in the carpet and sprays his walls with the carpet shampooer and draws all over himself with markers. And some days I think I should move to the Keys and live on a beach and run a t-shirt hut.

I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

- Cast Away

...there's some shelves that need cleaning from basement to ceiling.

One box. All I cleared tonight was one box. It was a big box, full of tupperware and thermos' and the such like. But all I cleared tonight was one box. Oh, and the rest of the chocolate ice cream. I"m not sure if I should be more concerned with the pile of clean laundry needing to be folded or the pile of dirty dishes needing to be washed - in this house and the old one. I didn't even go down there today.

Really should go take care of that. Sigh.

Glaicers melting in the dead of night...

I have a lot I need to do. I have a lot I want to do. Those two categories do not overlap in the least.

I haven't posted anything here in a couple weeks for two reasons. The first week I didn't have internet. And now, as I mentioned, I have a lot to do. I moved. Granted, I moved about 125 feet, but it's still moving just the same. Cole's room, my living room, and the bathroom are set up. My bedroom is a pile of whatever I don't know where to put. The kitchen is about halfway done - counting the fact that a shelf of coffee cups and a sink full of dirty dishes are still in my old house. Really should do something about that. Remember how I said the 'need to' and 'want to' list don't overlap?

I want to watch movies. I want to look for new music and movies and gadgets online. I want, most of all, to read.

I love to read. Something that I didn't do at all during college, and did extremely little while I was married. Basically, I didn't read for over four years, which is pretty criminal. Now that I rediscovered reading, I've also rediscovered getting lost in a book. And in the interest of responsibility, I've had to make some rules. The first is that I only read when everything else for the day is done. The second is that if I make an exception to rule #1 and read during some "free time" I might have (this does not happen often), I set an alarm to remind me of when I have to stop.

Some books are more addictive that others. Some books I pick up when I'm headed bedward without too much temptation throughout the day to abandon everything and read. Other books are so alluring that I rush through my tasks, all day just waiting to have the time to read those next pages. Right now I'm reading the Twilight series again ( yes, I know, I know, whatever). I apparently can no longer read a whole book in a night - I've been known to, more than once, read each of the first two books in a night. The third and fourth take a couple nights. Now I fall asleep. But I still find these books terribly addictive. Unlike the first movie, which I just find terrible... but that is for another time. Or maybe not.

I have a lot I need to do. Writing a blog, watching Ghostbusters, and letting Cole show me how far he can suck in his stomach aren't on the 'need to' list. Well, maybe the last one is.


Egon: Don't cross the streams.
Venkman: Why?
Egon: It would be bad.
Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?
Egon: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay.