They are big, tall, terrible giants in the sky...

Disclaimer: This post had been edited to fit in the allotted time as well as for taste, tact, and content. It had been formatted to fit your screen.

Cole has been more headstrong than ever since he turned 4. The resulting power struggle has left me rather worn out. Sometimes I think he is winning.

Anyone who knows me knows I love movies. I'm not as much of a nerd about them as I used to be, but that's mostly because I don't have the time I used to. I've watched a lot of movies, and there aren't many that I will cry at. I cry at the end of Flashdance, without fail. Juno and August Rush get me every time. The opening sequence of Up, too. And Dead Poets Society.

Admittedly, I watch Dead Poets Society and I really don't get it, not on the surface. I've never been a teenage boy, I've never been sent to a boarding school, and I would never send my kids to a boarding school. These 17 year old boys live in a very closed culture of tradition and have almost no personal choice in their own lives. All it takes to change their outlook is one teacher who rather than pound facts and traditions into them, tells them to think for themselves. He tells them to live with passion, rather than blindly and unemotionally plodding in their predestined paths. He teaches them to take a risk, to be impulsive. To seize an opportunity. To do something, anything, because you can. He teaches them to be different, to stand up for what they believe, and to not be afraid - of who they are, of what they feel, to see the world from a different perspective.

And that is what gets me. Because at the end of the movie, as the boys stand on their desks and defy the rules and traditions, they aren't the same boys that began the film. They've learned to think, feel, speak, and stand up for themselves.

Yeah, my kiddo is frustrating. He is stubborn, strong willed, and independent. And at 4, it's maddening. But, as hard as it can be, I don't want to just grind these qualities out of him. I want to teach him to harness them and to control them and to use them. Because while these qualities are currently his biggest problems, they can become his greatest strengths.

In a restless world, like this is...

I just watched a movie (please, try to hide your surprise) called Timer. It's set in a future where a device called the Timer has been invented. The Timer is implanted into your wrist and it counts down to the day when you will meet your "soulmate" and goes off like an oven timer the first time you make eye contact with them. The main character had a Timer that is blank, meaning her match hasn't gotten a Timer. She has a sister who found out when she got her Timer at 14 that she wouldn't meet her match until she was 43 and a 14 year old brother who gets his Timer and is supposed to meet his match the next day. While I was watching, I had to wonder: would I want a Timer? Would I want to be told by an egg timer who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with?

No. Maybe it's because I don't believe there is just one person for everyone, maybe it's because I don't believe in fate. Maybe it's because I think that love is a choice rather than a chemical reaction. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of what the timer might say. At any rate, I'll take the risk of making my own choices.

Whistling in the dark.

I'm tired. It's been a pretty normal Monday. Show up at work, stand around, do mostly nothing all day, be busy for about an hour, and then come home. Where. I. did. nothing. Sat around, made dinner, sat around, put Cole to bed, sat around. The last hour (post midnight) I finally got around to eating my own dinner and did all my floors and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. For some reason when I can't sleep - like tonight- I have to clean my house. When I'm stressed, I have to clean my house. When I have a headache, I have to clean my house. Yeah, the last one is defiantly into the area of slight neurosis.

I wasn't exactly a near freak growing up. When I was in college the most notable feature of my bedroom was a 6x8x3 pile of clean laundry which was where I stored most of my clothes. Then I had a kid and I turned into Rosie the Robot.

I've loosened up at lot. Like I said, I clean in response to stress, so I spent my whole marriage scrubbing everything in sight. Plus, it's pointless to run around cleaning things when there is a four year old two steps ahead of you. And since I want Cole to be responsible for himself, then I have to let him be responsible for cleaning up after himself, to a degree.

Of course, I'm not totally changed from my pre-Cole self. I still hate putting up laundry. I have a pile to put away and another pile to hang up right now. Eh, maybe tomorrow.

You've got a friend in me...

Can I please say something? Sure, it's you're blog, you can say what you like. Thank you. No problem. I'm saying this on the internet, so it hasta be true: When you formulate an opinion and then try to make the truth fit whatever you've already decided, you look like a moron. If you go to the Old Testament to defend your argument that instrumental music is okay, and then turn around and say that you only believe that pianos should be used in worship and anything else is overstepping, that also makes you look like an idiot. 'Cause I know that every decent Bible scholar can tell you how much King David liked to sing Amazing Grace and accompany himself on his Steinway.

Okay, so I've found (yet another) reason that I don't get dates. I was on a singles site and had a guy start chatting with me and I spent the entire 40 minutes debating with him about instrumental music. It is a church of Christ singles site (www.churchofchristsingles.com) and they guy said flat out in his profile that he had some issues with the Church, so I asked what they were. And - tada! - I'm pretty sure he will never talk to me again. Which is okay, since like I said, idiot.

I took Cole to see Toy Story 3 tonight. He was so excited that he was actually jumping up and down instead of walking through the lobby. I realized about 30 minutes into the movie that he was still clutching both of our ticket stubs. It's a great movie and does a good job of entertaining both the kids that saw Toy Story when it came out and the kids that have only seen it recently. I have a feeling I'm going to be hearing a lot about it in the next week. Cole was already quoting it in the car on the way home. :)

It's Friday, I'm in love.

Today had been a really long day. I usually leave to work at 9:30 in the mornings. Today I left at 7:30, in order to make half of a $1,200 order we had today. Half went out this morning, the other half in the evening. It really wasn't that much, but everything seems harder when you're still in morning mode.

And work was pretty much all I did today. I didn't get off work til 7, which is late. I picked Cole up (okay, I stopped for a shaved ice by myself on the way... don't tell Cole!) and came home. He found a movie to watch so I could take a shower, we both snacked because there was no way I was making dinner, and that was it.

Days like this just feel like a waste. I didn't actually do anything at all besides work. But I have tomorrow. Tomorrow Cole goes with me to work. And as sick as I get of that place throughout the week, having Cole there to talk about how cool everything is and be excited about all the things I overlook makes Saturdays my favorite days to work. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather spend my Saturday not working. But, when you're tired or frustrated or just taking life for granted, let a child explain to you how awesome all these things that surround us are. It doesn't matter what it is, they are likely to find a reason that it is amazing. Because this world we've been given, it really is amazing.

Thursdays, I don't care about you...

It was Cole's first trip to the dentist today. This year when I scheduled his annual checkup I just went ahead and scheduled a dental checkup, too. I didn't think about it too much. Until today. The whole way there I was wondering why this was really necessary. I mean, I taught him to brush his teeth. Maybe he doesn't brush them every single day, but I would say that he does a solid 2-4 times a week. And he gets plenty of milk and dairy. Of course, I had 2 cavities in my baby teeth, but I didn't brush as well as Cole does. That kid loves to brush his teeth. Besides, he is just gonna lose these in a couple years.

It was a nice office. They had 2 Xbox 360's in the kids side of the waiting area, an LCD TV, a couple more stations with computer games, and a whole wall of Etch-A-Sketches and other little games like that. A huge aquarium divided that half from the more adult side, which was standard waiting room but uber nice. In the exam area, there were LCD TV screens in the ceiling above each chair. There were 3 PSP's at a table with mod little stools where you could wait. Everything was colourful, but not too colourful, and pristine and fabulous.

Have you ever seen the (now canceled) TV show "The Riches"? It's about a gypsy family that steals the identities and lives of a normal, wealthy couple and they try to fit into wealthy, suburban life. And that's how I felt. Because I certainly didn't belong there.

I watched other moms, dressed in perfect clothes with highlighted hair and acrylic nails, helicopter over their kids. One mom sitting in the waiting area went to hand in their papers and made her daughter walk the ten feet to the desk with her. She asked if the daughter wanted to go sit back down or go play (duh?!) and then proceeded to follow her to the play area and just stand there, in the middle of the area. She wasn't there to talk or play, she just apparently couldn't get more than 3 feet away from her daughter. While watching this, I was sitting in the waiting area, while Cole played on the other side of the aquarium in the play area. There weren't any doors in the play area and I could see the whole room, so unless someone walked in with an invisibility cloak they weren't going to be able to abduct him. (I did walk over there and tell him that he couldn't jump off the chairs, because I am raising a child, not a farm animal.)

When they called Cole back to take his picture, I let him go by himself. When they called him back for the exam, I asked if he wanted me to go. If he had said no, I would have stayed in the waiting room. I tried to be pretty invisible during the exam. The only time I got involved was when, right at the beginning, he didn't want to lie down on the chair. I just turned him around in it and told him to do what he was asked and that was it. I think the next thing I said was "You did great!", after the cleaning was done. Having me fussing over him would have only made him nervous, and considering the amount of orthodontia his is in for later on, I wanted to show him that this was no big deal. He spent the rest of the day telling people that he went to the dentist and it was fun and even asked to go back and have his teeth cleaned again. So I guess it worked.

When we checked out, the receptionist asked me if I wanted to go ahead and schedule Cole an appointment in 6 months. I smiled and said, "No, not right now." I want my kiddo to be healthy and to learn to take good care of his teeth, which is why I taught him to take good care of his teeth. But a dental cleaning every six months? He's just gonna lose these is a couple years anyways. :)

You can't always get what you want...

My laundry from yesterday is still on the couch, snoozing tonight instead of laughing. I'm gonna poke it with a stick in a few minutes to wake it up.

Tonight we made ratatouille for dinner. Yes, I expect my four year old to eat this for dinner, and he does. I managed to get a kid that will pick an orange over a cookie and regularly asks for salad. Last week he picked a smoothie as his after-doctor treat. Anyway, I agreed to something I never have before. I agreed to let him help chop vegetables for dinner. I heard the words coming out of my mouth and couldn't believe I was saying it. But help he did. He cut zucchini (with quite a bit of help) and bell pepper (with very little help) and we didn't have to go to the ER. It was no big deal. Actually, it was a very big deal and I explained to him how big a deal it was. He was really careful and did a great job.

My favorite part of tonight was after dinner. Cole started doing dishes last week. He really likes to help around the house and has asked many times to help with dishes. He loves it. And he does a great job! I rinse the dishes so I can check that they really are clean. After dinner tonight it was a little late and he still needed a bath, so I told him that he could go get in the shower and I would do the dishes. Cole insisted that he do the dishes. He said that he is in charge of doing the dishes and that is what he gets to do. So, I let him stay up an extra 20 minutes and do the dishes.

Some days, when he is being whiny and keeps saying that he can't do this or that, when he is telling me for the umpteenth time that he can't take off his shirt or buckle his car seat, I forget how independent my four year old really is, not to mention sweet and helpful. Tomorrow when he's getting dressed and he tells me yet again that he can't get his shirt off, instead of getting frustrated I'm going to smile and remember that tonight he insisted on chopping the bell pepper by himself and washing the dishes to help mama.

He'll learn to take his shirt of one day. Right?

Talk is cheap...

Cole went outside today to catch lightening bugs. I was helping him get them in the jar. And he comes up to me with a frog. He wanted to put in the jar, too, so he could watch it eat the lightening bugs. So we did, and it did, and he was thrilled. Kids really make you realize just how wonderful the little things in life are.

I am supposed to be folding four loads of laundry right now. They are over on the couch laughing at me. I have to admit, I hate working. I don't hate it while I am at work. I don't mind putting in the hours and doing my job. I just hate that it takes the energy that I could use on doing things I want to do. I don't want to spend the energy cleaning up after my co-workers and making food for my customers. I want to spend my energy chasing my son around and cleaning my own house and making food for Cole. But by the time I get home and night and have time to do all the things I want to do, I no longer have the energy to enjoy them. They become a chore. Honestly, I really do enjoy doing laundry and cleaning house and cooking. But I never want to do any of that, because I'm just too tired.

I think sometimes that our culture as a whole as lost sight of what is really important. So many people work hard to get the things that they want, only to never have time to enjoy them. I think I'd rather not have as much and have the time to enjoy those things that are important to me.

So, here goes...

Alright. I'm not a blogger. I mean, I read blogs a lot. I just haven't written one before, because I have no idea what I have to say that people might actually want to read. I cannot possibly be that interesting.

I'm Julie. I'm a divorced mom. I got married impetuously when I was 20 and pregnant. "It seemed like a good idea at the time" really doesn't cut it, but it's about all I've got. After 2 years he left me and our son, which really was about the nicest thing he ever did for me. A couple months later, I ditched the city of Atlanta (where I had lived for the last 10 years and where my parents live) and headed into rural Mississippi to live in a cabin. It did seem like a good idea the time, and most days it still seems like a pretty great idea. Oh, sure, there is the occasional day or week or month when I want to torch my house and drive to the nearest urban center, but that's normal... right?

I moved around bunches as a kid (it comes with being a preacher's kid). The idea of living in one place for the rest of my life is sort of scary. I was home schooled, and I want to home school my son. Which for a single working mom is no easy task and I haven't begun to work out the details. For now, we're doing pre-school a few days a week. Cole (that's my son) loves it. He loves most things, though, which is pretty awesome. And if he doesn't absolutely love it, then he absolutely hates it, which isn't nearly as awesome. I don't really know if I even have a "parenting philosophy", I'm just trying to raise an independent, responsible kiddo.

I have no idea what is going to happen in the next few months or years. Five years ago I had the next 10 years of my life planned out. And while the constant not really knowing does drive me nuts, I wouldn't give up a minute of my crazy adventure of being a mom.